Focus

So for a few weeks I kind of felt a little stuck.. ..I am 7 months through my year out and it has been going amazingly!! I have been loving every minute..I have spent some beautiful hours talking to God, listening, worshiping and reading. But I kind of got to a point where it felt like I couldn’t do it anymore, which is weird I know!! But I just couldn’t do it, I would try to worship and would get distracted, sit down to pray and my mind would wonder off before I even started (I know everyones mind wonder at points but this was worse than normal)

 I even went to Mobilise during this time which was a big conference for students and 20’s and I was sure this would be able to kick me back in to gear!! The talks were good and the worship was amazing…but for me as I ‘worshiped’ I felt that I was just singing…there was no depth to it! I was there I was hearing what was said..I was understanding it and agreeing with it. But would I say that I really met with God during those 4 days…I’m not so sure! I felt stuck…distance…and no matter how hard I tried I found that I just couldn’t get close to God! 

I remember a few times I would have my eyes closed during the event and all I could see was white….it felt as if I was the only person in the room, it was as if everyone else had vanished and it was just me and the empty whiteness. At the time I didn’t understand it, the first thought that came in to my head, was oh brilliant not only can I not engage the way I want to but now I I don’t even feel like Im surround by other people who ARE meeting with God in amazing ways!

At the time I had no idea how I got to this place!! I didn’t understand why I couldn’t do it anymore, its was as if I had given up…I think the longer it went on for the more I felt disheartened and I guess I kind of gave up a little. What was wrong with me, where was God, what had I done wrong?!  I know this sounds terrible but I actually reached a point where I felt I couldn’t prayer anymore…when I did pray it felt fake…

And then one day I was in the kitchen at home with Adam Seth and Hannah (I think we were making cakes) and as usually they were so excited that they were picking up all the ingredients and asking to mix and break the eggs and lick the spoon…all before I was ready to start and had explained what we were going to do…it was at the point where Hannah asked…” what’s that word you always say”  and as she said it, I remember the word I had started using with them over the last few weeks in order to get the attention and to help get the whatever we were doing done, the amount of times I had said focus in the previous few weeks was ridiculous and it was only in that moment when Hannah asked what the word was…did everything fall in to place and start making sense!!

Within minutes of her asking the question so many different things from the last few week ran through my head, its as if the one word…FOCUS….answered so many questions, it fitted in to so many different events and thoughts from the last few weeks. And I had been using the word over and over again and it wasn’t until a 4 year old pointed it out that I took notice of the word, that word that really…I had been telling myself!!! But just hadn’t realised!!!

And during that moment of realisation, it was as if God took a big sigh of relief and was like…Finally…she’s got it!! Like that moment when you are trying to explain something to someone and they are just not understanding and then all of a sudden it clicks!! 

I finally realised that for a few weeks I had lost focus…I had forgotten what this year was about…who the year was for!! I’m not doing this year for me.. I had planned to give the year to God, yet it was as if I had taken the reigns back again. I had started to think that I could do things myself, I had got so wrapped up in life, in writing lists and just getting things done, that I had forgotten, why I was doing them…I had lost sight of God in the whole thing! My focus had moved away from God and had just gone on to getting things done….

For the next week or two focus became a key word…during a prayer meeting James talked about how for the various visions and things that the church has at the moment, we need to remained focused on God.  One Sunday morning the talk was so simply yet so relevant and important it was  for me at the time…its was exactly what I needed to hear!! Nathan spoke about the wonders of God, he reminded us of how big God is and how small I am!

Also during that same week the the lyrics from Whitney Houston’s song  ‘I look to you’ kept going round in my head!  Relevant

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong

Things had got so busy, and I was involved in so many different areas of the church, that I was just living day by day working through lists just to get things done and I was failing to keep God at the center of it all…He was the reason I was doing it, I wasn’t doing all these things so I could be praised by people…I was doing it for God!!

As soon as I put my focus back on to God everything got easier again, I could pray and not get so distracted, I could worship and really mean it. I let things be less about me and what I could do and more about God and what he can do!!!

A long overdue update

So I’ve kinda been a little rubbish at keeping this blog up to date, I have all these ideas of things that I want to write about and then I never seem to be able to find the time to actually get them done! I currently have 3 posts that I have started but not yet finished! For a while I was getting annoyed that I wasn’t getting them done, that there wasn’t enough time in the day to even reply properly to messages that had been sent. But then I remember something that I used to say to my mum and dad all the time….if you don’t hear from me then it means I’m fine, I’m more likely to contact you if there is a problem!! And this made me think…I realised that although I’m not getting everything done that I would really love to….that’s a actually a good thing!! Surely not having enough time is better than me having loads of time on my hands, of being bored, of wanting to be in contact with everyone at home all the time!!

But because I haven’t been in as much contact as I would like to, I thought I’d give you all a little update of life in Guernsey! 

Before I left England I decided that if I was going to give this year to God, I was going to do it properly!! I really wanted to throw myself in to whatever this year had to hold! To step out, to say yes to things instead of no, to be brave, to get involved and I really just wanted to make the most of every opportunity. And here I am five months in and I think I can say that I have really being trying to do this! And you know….I am loving every minute!!!!

The first few months before Christmas, I think I was still kind of finding my feet a little but since coming back I feel as if I have really settled, and know that this is where I am meant to be for this time!

So heres a few things that have been happening….

We have recently finished running a Youth Alpha course!  Although there was a lot of work to be done for the whole thing….it was soo worth it!!! We had between 40 and 50 young people coming each week, and I don’t know if it was because they could play a game of bowling and get a decent meal all of £2, or whether they actually wanted to hear the talk?! BUT to be honest does it really matter…they were there week after week and were able to hear about God and about his love! Over the course we had, young people become Christians, young people be filled with the Holy Spirit for the first time, we had some who spoke in tongues for the first time, we had an atheist who is now part of church, new friendships were built, old friendships were made stronger, some young people who had never stepped foot in a church apart from a wedding or a funeral, were able to just experience the feeling of being excepted, of not being judges, of not having to perform in a certain way because that how the world makes them think they should, and it gave them a chance to loved and appreciated for who they are! 

I am so glad that I got to be a part of the whole thing, not only because I got to see God move in each of the young people’s lives over the 8 weeks, but also because I was able to step out, to do things I had never done before. I mean..I'm not the creative type..but I designed the flyer. I don't stand up and talk in front of people..but I did one of the talks. I'm not the organised type...but I did a lot of organising for the weekend retreat, and you know...although it was all a bit scary and not what I am used to...I actually really loved doing it all!

On the 3^rd and 4^th of March we ran a 24-7 prayer event!! This again was something so amazing to be a part of. This is one of the things that I really know God wanted me to be a part of! His plan for this had started before I even got to Guernsey. Michele, a lady who recently moved over to Guernsey from England, had briefly been involved in a 24-7 Prayer before she moved and had been praying for someone who had a heart for the prayer moment. And it sounds a little strange for me to say this…but I think that person was me! Although 24-7 is growing all over the world….it hadn’t really reached Guernsey. 

Like many churches, the one that I had joined were having their weekly prayer meetings, in the standard prayer meeting style…but the numbers of people that came were low... sometimes as low as 2…peoples passion and excitement for prayer..seemed a little non-existent and we really wanted to encourage people to be excited about prayer…prayer is amazing! Its our way of being able to talk the our creator, he wants to hear from us he wants us to look forward to meeting with him..not think of it as a chore, or something on our long list of things to do and something that often gets pushed to the bottom. 

Michele and I started meeting on a regular basis to discuss and pray about the possible of doing a 24-1…during this time, we also found that the was another lady in the church who has been involved in 24-7 before and was excited to see something happening in Guernsey. 

There were a few slip ups on the way were we got a bit carried away with our plans and stopped listening to Gods plan, but when we got back on track….God really started to bless us! And everything came together…we weren’t really sure how it was going to work…were people going to be willing to get involved? Where they going to get it? Where they going to sign up and pray in the middle of the night?! We honestly didnt know...but we were so sure that this is something that God wanted us to and so we put our trust in him!!   

And sure enough as we stepped out people began to fill the spaces…it took a little while to convince people but soon we had all the slots filled! On the Thursday before we cleared the space we were going to use and began to set up to room…and all three of us involved sensed how God filled the space as we spent more time in there setting up and preparing…God was preparing to meet with his people. He was helping to make the space welcoming , safe and special, and as we started our first hour of prayer...with just a few of us in the room worshipping God, it felt like the room was FULL of people! It was sooo exciting to see 24-7 come alive in our little church in Guernsey, right in front of our eyes . And so the 24 hours of prayer had started, each filled with individuals, couples, groups or friends, all not really knowing what to expect but all brave enough to give it a go! And the people prayed!! They engaged with the room, they didn’t hold back, people painted their prayers…possible for the first time ever! People met with God in an intimate way which maybe they don’t get to do very often! There were luggage tag prayers hanging all over the room, names of the lost, the hurting, the broken were written across the floor.

By the end of the 24 hours it was so clear that the place had been used to its full potential and that God had bless the people that had been brave enough to sign up for their first prayer slot. 

For me it was so amazing to see it happen….It is something that I had wanted to do before I came to Guernsey and something that Michelle and I had been praying about for a while and so it was just soo good to see Gods plan actually taking place. I think as well… I just loved hearing and seeing people’s reactions to the whole experience...I really love prayer rooms and how God uses them and it was great to be able to help provide a chance for other to experience one! The church were amazing at getting involved and engaged and we are so excited about doing another one soon but this time for longer!! 

I am absolutely loving being here in Guernsey...I am doing more then I ever thought I would be able to do...I feel like I have been able to step out of my comfort zone and do things that before I would have said no to! and I'm actually finding that I quite enjoy doing things that are a little bit scary!!!